I have to be a girl sometimes....

I am in love. with Jim Halpert. Always and Forever.

Shadow of the Day

Sometimes I feel as if there is no way I could be stretched any thinner. Like I am so thin and brittle that anything, small or large, could barely breathe on me and I would shatter into a million little pieces. And yet, I still have a constant reassurance that I can do it. I can be a full-time teacher, educating 3 classes of 25 juniors. I can graduate from college in May at the age of 20. I can work full-time and take 7 classes.
I think that I have this hope because of a simple image that keeps repeating in my head.
Every morning I drive to King's High School. In order to get there, I have to cross the 520 bridge at 8:15 in the morning. And every single morning, without fail, there are endless red taillights that greet me. But there are times when I barely notice them because I am looking at the lake. The bridge separates Lake Washington like a belt. On right side, the water is tumultuous. There are always angry hissing waves that reach toward the sides of the bridge with eager arms. But on the left side, the water is calm, tranquil. A barrier of concrete creates this phenomenon.
Currently, that is my life. Crazy on one side and peaceful on the other. But my "barrier" is not feet of concrete that cars constantly pass upon. My "barrier", my "belt", my "separation" between the chaotic and the calm is God. I am slowly learning just how great my concrete God is.

In My Head

I sat in a coffeeshop last week, sipping a tall cinnamon dulce latte. Across me sat a boy that I barely knew. We had been introduced ealier that week and instantly became friends. As such, when he came to my work a few hours prior, I accepted his invitation to coffee. We had pleasant conversation about music and movies and life in general. He then said to me, "You don't like to be vunerable." I was taken aback. 1) How could a boy I know virtually nothing about see through me so quickly, and 2) he was right.
I thought about this comment and still am. I don't let people into the essence of who I am. I hate to be seen as someone with holes. I hate thinking that I am not happy. I make people laugh when I am hurting. I don't know how to accept my failings and move on. I am not sure where I fit. I lie constantly about how I am. I feel more alone now than I ever have in my life. I never let anyone see me crying. I drive in a circle around Kirkland in order to hide from my pain. But as soon as I park, everything crashes in.
I don't want this anymore.