Brutally Honest

So I have not written in a long time. But there is a time when writing seems to be the only thing to do and as my title suggests, I am going for it...putting it all on the table...insert phrase here.

I am dating this fantastic boy. We have been dating for nearly two years, which is insanity in my mind. But there is this truth about relationships that I have recently acquired: RELATIONSHIPS ARE FREAKISHLY HARD!!!! We are at the stage when it is comfortable. The fireworks are still there at times, but they are not constant. I do not look at him with overwhelming emotion every five minutes and songs do not cause me to weep because I miss him so much. And all of the above totally freak me out. This is my first relationship and as such, I really have no idea what to expect. How do I calm down? How do I accept this new stage? At many times, I am fine. We laugh and carry on and have the best times. But at other times, I find myself wondering if something is wrong with me. Or even worse, wrong with us. Am I crazy?

In the fast lane

So my life is stretching out before me. I am twenty years old and I am a grown-up. To a point, of course.



I mean, I still am a child in many ways. For example, my current obsession is Guitar Hero III. Oh yeah. Last night, I spent 35 minutes watching YouTube videos all about this new-fangled contraption. (SIDENOTE: is new-fangled even a word? Should know that considering my degree. Awesome.) Plus today I took the nanny children to the apartment under the guise of having fun, but really it was so I could play GHIII. I need to get a better hobby.



My days are filled with making snacks, making myself coffee, breaking up sibling spats, driving to swimming lessons, wrapping towels around cold bodies, loading the dishwasher, making sandwhiches, driving back to the pool, getting a tan, reading, reading, reading, and hanging with the boyfriend whose new nickname is EL Fuego. Which supposedly is Spanish. I really have no idea.



I like my life. Like everyone I wish it was more exciting sometimes, but what is more exciting than sprinting across sidewalks and lawns in order to catch the beginning of So You Think You Can Dance. We made it with only a minute to spare.



This is a dis-jointed post, but I kind of like that aspect. My life is dis-jointed. There is really no rhyme or reason and though I do the same thing everyday, something always changes, or makes me laugh, or causes me to think.



So here is to sunblock and summer days and good books. and cute boyfriends. and my mom.

Defying Gravity

I need boldness. In speech, in action, in faith, in life.

Tell me how to find this elusive character quality that I lack so greatly.

I have words to say, deeds to be done, faith to be questioned, and life to live.

But I am afraid.

BOLD. Even the word intimidates me.

I need words of wisdom. Bold words of wisdom. Tell me like it is. And I will try to not be afraid.

Give me an taffy, I've got a million of 'em

So I am finally living my dream. I am William Keating, Mrs. Ferris, Dr. Kress, and my immensely talented parents. I am a teacher. I stand on top of desks, grade endless papers, and clean up my classroom from the Senior Prank this morning. I fight paper jams, broken pencil tips, and confusing literature. And most of the time, I hate it.
I hate living my dream. It was not suppose to be like this. My students are suppose to stop talking when I ask them. They are suppose to be excited about learning the complex societal impact of The Crucible. They are suppose to respect me, since I am the TEACHER. I have the name and everything. But they don't and I hate it.
Honestly though, I do love this. This experience so far has been the hardest and most frustrating thing that I have ever done and I am only a week and a day in. But I am going to keep trying, even for one or two students. One of the boys in third block came to me after class and thanked me for teaching today. He didn't understand the content and I was able to answer his questions. One of the girls came to me and told me she would pray for my sister that was involved in the Wiccan religion.
Those are the students that I need to remember at the end of the day. Not the ones that were disrespectful and adolescent (though I will deal with them harshly tomorrow). No. I remember the ones that smiled at me as they left the classroom. I taught them something. I did that. I am their teacher.

giggle, chortle, guffaw

From the beginning of life, laughter is sought after. We bend over bassinets, contorting our faces hoping to be the first one to make the baby laugh. We try and try and try to no avail. And then suddenly, all at once, it happens. A laugh pierces the still air with life and joy. To me, the first laugh is the utmost sound of happiness.
As the years continue, so does the laughter. We laugh our way through elementary school, giggling at every possible situation. A silly song, a funny haircut, or a picture that the teacher drew can all elicit a laugh that still sounds of innocence.
As my life continues, laughter has become a wind chime sailing in the breeze. The tinkling sound of chimes brushing together reaches across the plains and touches you somewhere deep. It reaches that place inside of you that you think couldn’t be reached. Filling you with joy, the echo of chimes remains within and never leaves you. That is what laughter does. It meets you in your very own place and enables a change to come.
Laughter is life giving. It brings a friendship to a level of exhilarating happiness. It brings families into sharing life together and finding joy even when struggles arise. It enables me to live and to celebrate my life. To me, laughter is joy that you can listen to

I have to be a girl sometimes....

I am in love. with Jim Halpert. Always and Forever.

Shadow of the Day

Sometimes I feel as if there is no way I could be stretched any thinner. Like I am so thin and brittle that anything, small or large, could barely breathe on me and I would shatter into a million little pieces. And yet, I still have a constant reassurance that I can do it. I can be a full-time teacher, educating 3 classes of 25 juniors. I can graduate from college in May at the age of 20. I can work full-time and take 7 classes.
I think that I have this hope because of a simple image that keeps repeating in my head.
Every morning I drive to King's High School. In order to get there, I have to cross the 520 bridge at 8:15 in the morning. And every single morning, without fail, there are endless red taillights that greet me. But there are times when I barely notice them because I am looking at the lake. The bridge separates Lake Washington like a belt. On right side, the water is tumultuous. There are always angry hissing waves that reach toward the sides of the bridge with eager arms. But on the left side, the water is calm, tranquil. A barrier of concrete creates this phenomenon.
Currently, that is my life. Crazy on one side and peaceful on the other. But my "barrier" is not feet of concrete that cars constantly pass upon. My "barrier", my "belt", my "separation" between the chaotic and the calm is God. I am slowly learning just how great my concrete God is.

In My Head

I sat in a coffeeshop last week, sipping a tall cinnamon dulce latte. Across me sat a boy that I barely knew. We had been introduced ealier that week and instantly became friends. As such, when he came to my work a few hours prior, I accepted his invitation to coffee. We had pleasant conversation about music and movies and life in general. He then said to me, "You don't like to be vunerable." I was taken aback. 1) How could a boy I know virtually nothing about see through me so quickly, and 2) he was right.
I thought about this comment and still am. I don't let people into the essence of who I am. I hate to be seen as someone with holes. I hate thinking that I am not happy. I make people laugh when I am hurting. I don't know how to accept my failings and move on. I am not sure where I fit. I lie constantly about how I am. I feel more alone now than I ever have in my life. I never let anyone see me crying. I drive in a circle around Kirkland in order to hide from my pain. But as soon as I park, everything crashes in.
I don't want this anymore.